What’s Stability Anyway?

In all of 12 years on the American workforce, how is it that I have NEVER been able to respectably hold down a full-time (40+ hours/wk) job?

Salaried employee? Fuhgettaboutit!

Other than that one year I spent active duty, I don’t ever recall a year that I earned anywhere near 20k gross income.

Does this mean that at year 28 I have successfully managed to be a total failure?

Will having that full time, career level, benefits paying, 401k matching, 8:30a-5p, salaried position really offer me the stability that I crave?

I sit on my porch every morning and contemplate my life.

I ask myself what is it that I am seeking. I ponder what milestones I must reach and what needs be met in order to find contentment. I long for stability. I want most to be secure. I imagine what it must feel like to not exist in a body that rejects everything about its humanness. To have a mind that isn’t ill.

Lately I have been in heavy contemplation of what it really means to be stable.

Actually through this intense brooding, I realized that I was asking myself the wrong question.

What it means to be stable is relative to the individual seeking to define it.

Alas! I found myself asking what stability means to me?

Is it not going through the highs and lows of bipolar disorder?

Is it being cured from chronic seasonal depression that threatens to end me every winter?

Does it look like not panting and dissociating during highly stressful workplace situations?

Or does it look like finally securing that career of my dreams?

Do I get health insurance and retirement benefits?

Paid vacation and all government observed holidays?

How about protection under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act)?

Will I require that I acquire veteran status and receipt of veteran’s benefits?

Or maybe I will finally purchase a car from a dealership for $0 down and $299.99/month all on my own and drive it off the lot with ZERO miles on the odometer.

Gas money?

Do I even want to be a homeowner?

Does this intangible ideal I crave so ferociously look like the aforementioned?

What if it does not look like anything? Perchance it is a feeling.

I am a person who deals very heavily in feelings and emotion. At first I sought to ask myself the right questions. Then, almost at once, I’d conceded that perhaps just as the “right questions” evade me maybe along with them goes the “right answers”.

From this side of the journey, I cannot describe in mere words what stability should look like. I won’t know until I get there. One thing I predict is that I will know with sureness when I have received my ‘right’ answer because I will FEEL it.

-Dannie-

 

A Life of Woe

I wish I could neatly describe the weight of depression.

If only there was a simple answer to the “what’s wrong” question.

I wouldn’t even say what I feel right now is depressed.

Experiencing some depression-like symptoms would be more accurate.

Yes. I know that I’m blessed to see another day.

My family is well and for the most part we’re all “safe”.

That doesn’t change the fact that

I feel like an utter waste of space.

And then I feel even worse for wanting to talk about it

because then I get to hear aloud just how ridiculous this all sounds.

But if I don’t get this out then it’ll consume me entirely.

I think it has already.

I am stumbling and tumbling through adulthood.

Why must stability evade me so?

Shame…

I’m not doing ‘it’ right.

The constant saga

A constant theme

My life of woe.

-Dannie-

I’m Afraid So

I am utterly afraid.

What if?

I have all of this magic in me.

What if I never experience its fullness?

I am talented and yearn to show the world.

I just want what anyone else would…to be heard.

But what if no one ever hears me?

What if?

I’m afraid that after giving my most earnest effort, it still won’t be good enough.

 

I’m petrified that even with unrelenting initiative, my best won’t be good enough.

That nothing I do will ever be good enough.

The self-help books, the motivational memes, the gurus and workshops don’t mean a damn thing to someone like me. Not because I do not believe in those things. Not because they do not work. Not because I think they are a bunch of bologna.

They don’t mean much to me because in the not-so-far back places of my mind, I am AFRAID.

I am always afraid.

[somber sigh]

Depression kicks my ass.

The voice in my mind that preaches suicide just will not give.

I feel so mental.

Of all the “what if” questions in the world, I always ponder these few:

What if I don’t make it?

What if I fail?

What if it does not work out?

What if it doesn’t get better?

What if I just cannot win?

What if I am destined to never be fulfilled?

What if one day I succumb to the suicidal thoughts?

I am haunted by this.

I am disturbingly afraid to one day find myself on the other side of these questions.

I am so scared that the prewritten story of my life isn’t a success story.

What if my fate was always destined to come to a tragic end?

I’m afraid it just might be.

-dannie-

It’s All There… The Madness In This Millennial’s Mind

I would be doing my soul an egregious disservice if I don’t write tonight.

Not only have I found myself in yet another pattern of inconsistency, I’ve burdened my load with more acts of ambition but with no sure way of going about doing any of it.

I feel all over the place.

In my mind the picture of my life looks like a messy desktop housed in an abandoned room-turned-office, in the furthest corner of a really old mansion. Papers strewn here and there, no categorization, no priority, no sequence, no order; nevertheless, it is ALL there. A rolodex barely sits on the edge. Two empty staplers and a numberless amount of bent paper clips line the crevices of the desk, simulating the grooves on my brain. Strips of scotch tape have lost their adhesiveness due to old age. The corners fold upward. Separating themselves from the pages. Pink slips and final notices, memos, irrelevant telephone messages, old fax confirmation sheets and crumbled up receipts clutter the already cluttered desk inside my head. Amid all of this mess, I am searching for a very important document, as I run 15 minutes late–it’s  always fifteen right?–to a meeting I should have attended 10 years ago.

Where did I go wrong?

At which point did I turn left when I should have gone right?

I have NO CLUE what the hell I am doing. No different that your average millennial.

Alas, while the “average millennial” is probably somewhere spending his time playing Pokémon Go, I sit before my computer. Searching my mind for ways to quickly retrieve that very important document that I needed many yesterdays ago. Allowing my fingertips to clatter away at the keyboard on my still very new Macbook Pro (another new commitment that I may explain at a later date). Listening to the ‘indie’ station on Music Choice as countless artists do the very thing I wish I could be sure of doing. Chasing their dreams.

I digress.

As I seek the answers of tomorrow, I can’t help but to remain stuck on where I put that very important document just yesterday.

-Dannie-

Just Another Sad Episode

I can’t figure this thing out!

Why hasn’t IT happened for me yet?

Where is my pivotal moment?

The event that changes the trajectory of the rest of my life.

The exact moment where I know that my life will never be the same.

When will it be my turn????

At what point will I know that what I believe I was destined to do is exactly the thing I should start doing now?

I feel depressed. I am yet again experiencing those urges that repeat to me ‘just give up’. The voices keep asking me “Why are you doing this?” and “Where are we going?” and “What precisely should we be doing now?”. And the answer I hear myself say each and every time is “I DON’T KNOW!”. Then I sob internally and the depression settles in deeper.

I’m tired of asking myself these same questions.

I’m exhausted at feeling like I’ve been stuck in this rut for nearly a decade.

You know the rut I’m talking about.

The one that big dreamers and creative thinkers experience as they try to lead psycho-normative lives and hold down jobs that pay the bills. The rut that makes you feel stuck between doing what you want to do with doing what you ‘have to’.

I always hear the successful ones say stuff like “don’t give up” and “never quit”.

But how do you know…

How can you tell the difference between quitting and accepting that maybe you weren’t meant to do the very thing you’ve lived and breathed for so long.

How do you know the difference between big aspirations and foolish grandiose thoughts?

Am I really as special and magical as I think?

Or am I just another sad psychiatric case?

-dannie-

Dannie Meets World

My my my my

It has been FAR too long.

Are you disappointed in me? Please don’t be.

I know that I should refrain from making excuses, but I offer this one consolation.

Though I may not have been present during the past several weeks, I have been committed to the cause.

I’ve started my YouTube channel.

I even have 27 subbies now.  That’s Youtube talk for subscribers, people who subscribe to my channel and keep up with my new video uploads each week.
Speaking of which, did I tell you that I now post a new video every Wednesday?

I know.

That explains where I’ve been each week I wasn’t here with you.

My Youtube channel is the reason I renamed by WordPress site “dannie’sWorld”.

I know. I know.

There should be no excuse for slacking in any area I claim to be passionate about.

Though I am only human I am one who is trying to do extraordinary things.

---

Nearly 8 years ago I was given a diagnosis that rocked my world. And since then I have fought every single day to maintain control of my thoughts, my emotions and my life.

It has not been a journey for the faint-of-heart. But we all have our crosses to bear. Fighting a war against an ill mind is a very scary thing.

Throughout the trials and doctors appointments, new medicine therapy and two psychiatrist hospitalizations, I’ve had my share of hopeless moments.

As a person who one day hopes to be in the position to help influence others positively I cannot advise anyone to be resistant to treatment in any form. However, as I still attempt to lead a fully authentic and functional life, I have to practice methods that align with who I am becoming.

I am about as free spirited, hippy dippy, as they come. I like holistic means of overcoming life’s obstacles. And it gets no more organic than creative art therapy.

Starting this blog and now my Youtube channel have been the best things I could do for myself.

These outlets give me purpose, a reason for being and an excuse to get out of bed.

The more I go at them, the less they feel like chores or sources of stress.

I know.

In my usual flighty fashion, I went off and found another venture to embark upon. But I promise this time is different.

Dannie’s World is the place where I can express myself freely. I get to be unapologetically and shamelessly me. I can be as happy, sad, silly, shallow and as deep as I want. I get to share my experience so that others can partake and receive from it whatever they were meant to get from crossing paths with my story.

Conceiving the idea for Dannie’s World has become my therapy.

Please come along with me on this journey. We’re in this together!

-p-e-a-c-e-
dannie 🙂

 

 

Mental Illness Melancholy

I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT!!!!!

And this makes me want to cry.

In this very moment I feel so out of sorts that I want to bawl and laugh hysterically while pounding my head against a wall until the only thing I see is blood.

I am not okay!

Life abroad did not “fix me” and now is threatening to become a big problem for my currently untreated mental health issues.

Everything seems to be going wrong.

I know perception has a lot to do with how one handles stressful situations; however, this is not a case of mind over matter.

I’m scared.

I don’t feel like “myself”. Whatever that may mean.

I guess what I mean to say is that more and more I don’t feel in control of myself.

It stresses me.

Which only scares me further because the more stress I’m under the more unpredictable my responses to occurrences in my life may become.

In comes my high-stress job of teaching ESL to young Korean children in one of the most disorganized and dysfunctional work environments I’ve endured.

I was so proud of myself when I originally felt a change in mental climate back in November and managed to make it this far without losing it.

Of course I acknowledged that I was fighting off a bad mood but for the most part I did not let others know too much about how I really was feeling. This led many people to commend me on how well I was dealing with the stress at work. This led my peers to compliment how I seemed to be navigating the stages of culture shock.

And all that has gotten me is lack of support now that my composure seems to be crumbling.

I have even shared with a few people that I have a history of mental health. They don’t believe me or perhaps they just don’t recognize the severity of what could come if things don’t improve and soon.

I’m not even sure which illness is the culprit for the symptoms that I’ve presented with recently.

Bipolar disorder seems to be the constant theme in my posts about mental illness; however, in case I have failed to make it clear that my anxiety isn’t simply a symptom of my mood disorder, I also have been formally diagnosed with GAD.

So many things have gone awry at work during the past several weeks that I would prefer not to distract from the topic of this post by listing them all. The fact of the matter is, it has occurred to me that I am employed by a school with very questionable business practices.

Things have gotten so out of hand that I even fear that my employment and livelihood here in this foreign country are at stake if I refuse to be treated like an indentured servant. The institute is unlawfully trying to bully me into working ridiculous hours, between 10 to nearly 12 hours per day with loads of administrative work and screaming disobedient kids. AND they are trying to scheme out of compensating me for the trouble. Not to mention imposing this confusion upon me only one week after paying me late with no explanation other than a half-hearted apology and play on my sympathy to please understand.

My nerves are shot.

One of the first telltales was when I noticed a drastic change in my sleep. Either I was restless because I was having bad dreams or so anxious about work that I would awake in a panic every 30 minutes or so afraid that I was supposed to be at work and had overslept. I began to grind my teeth.

The teeth grinding got so problematic that now the majority of the right-side of my inner mouth is chewed up. I have bitten my bottom lip, inner-cheek and tongue so terribly that I have difficulty eating comfortably. There is an ever-present coppery taste in my mouth.

Which brings about the next signal of trouble. My appetite is a mess. Either I am uninterested in bearing with the pain of chewing my food or my nervousness has ruined my appetite whether my stomach is growling or not. My gastrointestinal functions are all askew as well.

Lately I have felt in a bit of dissociative haze. Paranoid even.

I constantly feel dizzy and short of breath. I’ve lost sense of sureness of where I am and have been observed “spaced out” by my coworkers. I feel jittery and my hands quiver. I have had a persistent headache for more than a week now. I have had inappropriate responses to things: such as uncontrollable hysterical laughter when given another delivery of bad news or set of impossible tasks to complete.

I don’t know who I am right now.

I did not disclose mental health history (of course I couldn’t in the first place) so I have been trying desperately to hold it together. In doing so I have begun to lose a sense of self.

I have a grim history of not fairing well once I get too enthralled in the charade of pretending to be ok. Especially if doing so comes with the expense of being taken advantage of or passivity for the sake of avoiding confrontation.

I nearly broke down yesterday.

I had high hopes for this experience.

I may even be taking things a bit too personal but I feel wronged. In a matter of weeks the one thing that helped me battle the bipolar blues and homesickness, which was feeling pleased with my job, has turned into a complete shit show.

Which led me to cry out that I must be cursed.

Why does it seem inevitable that no matter how hard to I try to fight for my life, I keep having this happen to me?

Is it really possible to live a functional adult life with mental illness?

Or am I just buying my time before I become another anonymous statistic of the epic failure that is adequate acknowledgment of mental health disorders and the need for better treatment?

Why am I here?

Why is this my plight in life?

What do I do?

I am scared and am losing hope.

Normally I would say welcome to my world but instead I caution you…

Please take care of yourselves.

-dannie..peace-

When Culture Shock Meets Bipolar Depression

Can we just ignore that I have been posting spastically?

Can we overlook the fact that I was gaining new viewers and even new “followers” (I like to think of you all as imaginary friends) with every post and then for some strange reason that momentum just stopped?

Can I just tell you how I’m feeling?

How the cycle of bipolar disorder meshes with a cycle that is known as culture shock.

Can I tell you how trying it has been to have my annual season of depression fall on the same part of the culture shock timeline that invites unhappiness, frustration and severe homesickness?

Just my luck.

I moved here in late August, so it has been a solid six months since my arrival.

The onset of my major depressive episode began in November.

With no more than a few days at a time, I can admit that I have had spurts of joy here and there.

Honestly, I was battling the blues long before November.

I don’t feel that I have recovered from the major bipolar episode that hit me hard during the holiday season of 2014 leading into 2015.

Can it be possible for one to experienced a continued mixed-mood for just under two years?

I don’t know if it is clinically possible but such is my life.

I feel like for years now my life has been one major mixed ass mood.

Primarily filled with depression and daily suicidal ideation, I cannot tell you when was the last time I truly felt content and at peace.

But I’m not here to tell you that.

I am just here to document what a bipolar mood feels like when mixed with the homesick stage of culture shock. Or am I experiencing the homesick stage further burdened by the weight of bipolar depression?

Whatever it is, I just want to confess one thing.

Moving away did not (and now I know it cannot) help rid my life of this disorder.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by forsaking all medicinal and professional treatment and moving to one of the most hard-pressed, depressive countries in the world.
But I do know some part of me believed that LIVING (as in feeling alive, like I was taking on the world) would be just the fix I needed.

I was wrong.

This isn’t to say that South Korea is just some miserable place.

Quite the contrary.

The locals seem very happy to welcome foreigners and represent their country well whenever they have a chance encounter with an outsider.

However, with the high-demand for rapid growth and RIDICULOUS working hours placed upon the employable, this country is poised to inflict some serious emotional and mental stress upon its inhabitants.

The mental health community is almost non-existent.

Openly talking about any human deficiency or disability is taboo.

Many working adults are passive-aggressive.

And most, if not everyone of age, drink alcohol and chain smoke to alleviate the symptoms of stress and depression.

I am so over self-medication.

Though I should also admit that I now have become a bit of a drinker.

I have been drinking alcohol EVERYDAY for three months.

As much as I love the warm reception I have had since I moved here, especially as a black woman, I must admit that I am still discontent with my current situation.

I’m not sure if this is the angst of bipolar depression talking or the homesickness of culture shock but whatever it is, I am back to the drawing board on decoding the map for finding my happy place.

Until I get there…

-peace-

 

dannie

Day 4

If I don’t do this now, it will not get done.

Oh the power of positive manifestation.
Oh the power of keeping your mind fixed on thoughts of the life you wish to attain.

Here we go.

My thoughts when I woke up: here we go again. [Commence self-pep-talk here]… (I am still unsure of how I manage to get out of bed, select clothing for work and make it out of the door in time.)
Sleep: restless and interrupted, a broken up 6 hours or so.
My mood at the start of my day: highly frustrated and irritable, uninterested until I did my daily walking meditation. It’s amazing what positive manifestation and prayer can do for one’s frame of mind. My day has been trying but because I refused to consent to depression and negative self talk, I made it through the day feeling rather proud of myself for functioning like a typical adult instead of the ‘crisis case’ I have been known to be.
Appetite: I am still having trouble with my appetite. I am not sure whether to attribute this to my blue-mood or the fact that I recently started my “lady time”. (Actually I could argue that this whole experience is the fault of the female cycle, but I know this isn’t a case of prolonged PMS.)
What I ate today:  I bought another 6 in. tuna sub from Subway on the way to work. I had it made in the same manner as I did on Monday with the exception of wheat bread, they were out of it today. I had a toasted shrimp, egg and cheese sandwich during my free period (around 6:30pm). And after work I had a half-serving of spicy seafood/veggie ooddong noodles with more kimchi. The rest will be for lunch tomorrow.  Oh and of course my chocolate-chocolate chunk ice cream (now THAT I can and will blame on the lady cravings).
Exercise today: still no workout but perhaps I will bust a little sweat after this post… yeah probably not.
How I feel right now: not super enthused about anything in particular. I mostly feel relieved that I made it through the day and that tomorrow is FRIDAY! I’m not sure how I feel about what the weekend may bring. If I’m not obligated to get out of bed, I may find myself going backward instead of forward in my attempt to battle this persistent bad mood. We’ll see how it goes.

p.e.a.c.e.                                                                      -welcome to my world-

dani’sWorld

Day 5

I really didn’t want to do this today.

For the past 3 hours I have tried to convince myself that I could fail at this challenge and blame it on my illness. I tried to console my already defeated self with enabling-thoughts that only fuel the strength of the problem I wish to resolve.

It’s supposed to be different this time.

So here I am. Sharing with you. Working on a new blog entry.

I don’t feel as inspired to ramble on about nothing in particular so I will let my daily mood log do the talking.

Without further delay, here it is.

My thoughts when I woke up: uh oh, this doesn’t feel good. What a weird dream. Ok, let’s go. Let’s get up. We have to get moving. You didn’t pick out anything to wear for work. You skipped the shower last night so we HAVE to clean this tush now! What’s for lunch? You didn’t meal-prep so we have to wing it. Maybe we can grab something on ‘hagwon ga’ (that’s the busy street I work on). Whatever we do, we have to move NOW or else we’ll be late. Ugh! I don’t want to do anything today. Can’t we go back to bed?
I still have no idea what happened after that or how I made it to [and through] work.
Sleep: approximately 6-7 hours.
My mood at the start of my day: down and uninterested (not fully depressed but definitely not as wishful and eager to be optimistic as yesterday).
Appetite: irritable bowels were the characteristic feature for today. Food was not my friend. I don’t believe I even had a proper meal.
What I ate today: junk! I tried to figure out food on the way to work. I was unsuccessful. Since I knew I would not make it through the day feeling gloomy, having to work with high energy and often disrespectful little kids while HANGRY [hunger + angry = hangry] I made a poor decision to have fast food. I haven’t had fast food on a regular basis in years and in the past few months it has been nonexistent in my diet. Until today! About halfway through my ‘real chicken’ sandwich the slimy, greasy sight of what I was eating made me nauseous so I trashed it and opted to nibble on a few room temperature fries before finally trashing those too. After work I had a brothy, spicy seafood bowl of noodles with kimchi as a side dish. I thought this would help my sensitive tummy. Again my stomach refused to accept food and as soon as I got home my body eliminated the waste. At least I was able to hold down a single serving of chocolate-chocolate chunk ice cream.
Exercise today: absolutely NONE! If I’m not upright at work, I am at home lying in bed watching YouTube videos and trying to talk myself out of finishing this 7-day challenge.
How I feel right now: not quite like poop but somewhere in the neighborhood of a fart. Today was markedly a downward move from the bit of sanity and serenity I felt yesterday. The best thing I can say I feel right now is proud of myself for getting this blog entry done! I made it!

Can I go to bed now? Where are my YouTube videos????

-welcome to dani’sWorld–
goodnight …peace