Mental Illness Melancholy

I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT!!!!!

And this makes me want to cry.

In this very moment I feel so out of sorts that I want to bawl and laugh hysterically while pounding my head against a wall until the only thing I see is blood.

I am not okay!

Life abroad did not “fix me” and now is threatening to become a big problem for my currently untreated mental health issues.

Everything seems to be going wrong.

I know perception has a lot to do with how one handles stressful situations; however, this is not a case of mind over matter.

I’m scared.

I don’t feel like “myself”. Whatever that may mean.

I guess what I mean to say is that more and more I don’t feel in control of myself.

It stresses me.

Which only scares me further because the more stress I’m under the more unpredictable my responses to occurrences in my life may become.

In comes my high-stress job of teaching ESL to young Korean children in one of the most disorganized and dysfunctional work environments I’ve endured.

I was so proud of myself when I originally felt a change in mental climate back in November and managed to make it this far without losing it.

Of course I acknowledged that I was fighting off a bad mood but for the most part I did not let others know too much about how I really was feeling. This led many people to commend me on how well I was dealing with the stress at work. This led my peers to compliment how I seemed to be navigating the stages of culture shock.

And all that has gotten me is lack of support now that my composure seems to be crumbling.

I have even shared with a few people that I have a history of mental health. They don’t believe me or perhaps they just don’t recognize the severity of what could come if things don’t improve and soon.

I’m not even sure which illness is the culprit for the symptoms that I’ve presented with recently.

Bipolar disorder seems to be the constant theme in my posts about mental illness; however, in case I have failed to make it clear that my anxiety isn’t simply a symptom of my mood disorder, I also have been formally diagnosed with GAD.

So many things have gone awry at work during the past several weeks that I would prefer not to distract from the topic of this post by listing them all. The fact of the matter is, it has occurred to me that I am employed by a school with very questionable business practices.

Things have gotten so out of hand that I even fear that my employment and livelihood here in this foreign country are at stake if I refuse to be treated like an indentured servant. The institute is unlawfully trying to bully me into working ridiculous hours, between 10 to nearly 12 hours per day with loads of administrative work and screaming disobedient kids. AND they are trying to scheme out of compensating me for the trouble. Not to mention imposing this confusion upon me only one week after paying me late with no explanation other than a half-hearted apology and play on my sympathy to please understand.

My nerves are shot.

One of the first telltales was when I noticed a drastic change in my sleep. Either I was restless because I was having bad dreams or so anxious about work that I would awake in a panic every 30 minutes or so afraid that I was supposed to be at work and had overslept. I began to grind my teeth.

The teeth grinding got so problematic that now the majority of the right-side of my inner mouth is chewed up. I have bitten my bottom lip, inner-cheek and tongue so terribly that I have difficulty eating comfortably. There is an ever-present coppery taste in my mouth.

Which brings about the next signal of trouble. My appetite is a mess. Either I am uninterested in bearing with the pain of chewing my food or my nervousness has ruined my appetite whether my stomach is growling or not. My gastrointestinal functions are all askew as well.

Lately I have felt in a bit of dissociative haze. Paranoid even.

I constantly feel dizzy and short of breath. I’ve lost sense of sureness of where I am and have been observed “spaced out” by my coworkers. I feel jittery and my hands quiver. I have had a persistent headache for more than a week now. I have had inappropriate responses to things: such as uncontrollable hysterical laughter when given another delivery of bad news or set of impossible tasks to complete.

I don’t know who I am right now.

I did not disclose mental health history (of course I couldn’t in the first place) so I have been trying desperately to hold it together. In doing so I have begun to lose a sense of self.

I have a grim history of not fairing well once I get too enthralled in the charade of pretending to be ok. Especially if doing so comes with the expense of being taken advantage of or passivity for the sake of avoiding confrontation.

I nearly broke down yesterday.

I had high hopes for this experience.

I may even be taking things a bit too personal but I feel wronged. In a matter of weeks the one thing that helped me battle the bipolar blues and homesickness, which was feeling pleased with my job, has turned into a complete shit show.

Which led me to cry out that I must be cursed.

Why does it seem inevitable that no matter how hard to I try to fight for my life, I keep having this happen to me?

Is it really possible to live a functional adult life with mental illness?

Or am I just buying my time before I become another anonymous statistic of the epic failure that is adequate acknowledgment of mental health disorders and the need for better treatment?

Why am I here?

Why is this my plight in life?

What do I do?

I am scared and am losing hope.

Normally I would say welcome to my world but instead I caution you…

Please take care of yourselves.

-dannie..peace-