Had our new relationship been built on an insufficient foundation?
Was my approval seeking behavior doomed to return and rule me for the sake of not having to be torn apart from her again?
Would my mother disown all that we have worked on during the recent years of our relationship simply because her beliefs about homosexuality remained unchanged?
I sincerely had no clue, but I knew one thing for sure.
I couldn’t chicken out again…
Welcome to the second half of the ‘long version’.
I humbly recommend reading the first half to truly see the full picture being painted here.
My apologies.
Making a long story short has never been a strong suit of mine.
Ever!
So let’s get right into this. Shall we?
Waiting on my phone to chime was more nerve-racking than waiting on the doctor to arrive in “labor and delivery” and confirm that it was time to push. That was more than twelve years ago. Yet here I was, two weeks ago, gnawing at my fingernails. I have never anticipated doom in such this way before. It took her more than a day to finally put me out of my misery.
I kind of sorta punked out by coming out via text.
At least I clearly, and as concisely as possible, confirmed something that I am sure my mother had grown suspicious of again as of late.
We had been making small talk (over text) about unrelated things when I gathered the gumption to just say it.
The conversation had abruptly ended right as I shared myself so vulnerably.
The fact that she did not immediately reply only signaled a warning of something disastrous.
What was taking her so long?
As restless as I felt that night, I eventually forced myself to sleep. I had worrisome dreams of my mother completely disowning and dismissing me from her life for good! I was startled awake the next day by my severe anticipation of the worst.
Still nothing!
Oh goodness, gracious. What did this woman have up her sleeve? Was this the silent treatment? Should I take her unresponsiveness as a sign of dismay?
I had to carry on with my day. Upon my arrival to work I tried as best as I could to focus on teaching my students. It was a struggle at first but by the fifth period of the day, I managed to successfully take my mind off of what had been troubling me for nearly 24 hours.
I strolled the usually 10-minute long walk home.
The bitterness of Korea’s winter chill did nothing to motivate me to walk against the wind expeditiously.
Shortly after setting my belongings down, I hesitantly moved to check my phone for her reply.
Still. Nothing?
I was not sure how much more of this I could take, so I made the first move by trying to check on her. I asked my sister if mom had been acting differently over the past day. I inquired as to whether or not she had mentioned anything of what I divulged a day prior. My sister had no answers for me about the situation, other than to say that our mother was doing well and seemed to be her usual self.
Minutes later the chime I (at one point) anxiously awaited sounded off.
Due to the exchange that was happening, I unsuspectedly motioned to swipe the touchscreen believing that it was only my sister texting me some more.
The chiming noise continued.
This was the very thing I feared.
Hearing my phone go off so much almost confirmed that I was justified for fearing the worst. I imagined the several pinging alerts were a result of her fingers typing feverishly to tell me things that my weakening mood may not have been fully prepared to handle.
To my pleasant surprise it was quite the opposite!
After years of self-hatred and -deprecation all for the sake of believing I was unacceptable in her eyes, my mother had done the very thing I have longed for since my age of reckoning.
She accepted ME for who I was.
Nothing more (as in a parent’s expectations of their child) and surely nothing less (failure to meet said expectations).
A huge weight had finally been lifted off of my chest. After decades of burdening me by making a home there.
This is not to say that my mother will start donning rainbow paraphernalia and slap a LGBTA (the ‘a’ representing ally) bumper sticker on her new car. Nevertheless, I feel more confident that she is earnestly trying to show up and be present for me in a way I once could only dare to dream.
She has now become my #1 fan so to speak.
I can say with certainty that she is definitely one of the biggest supporters in all that I do.
Let’s examine recent events:
Upon my sudden break up I, just as suddenly, decided to move upstate.
She supported my decision and even gave me start up money to aid in my relocation.
After the disappointment of realizing that what I spent years in undergrad for was not the glamorous career I had hoped it would be, I decided to abandon everything regarding that field and proclaimed that I would be taking a sabbatical.
She encouraged and prayed for me.
Shortly after the aforementioned proclamation, I went even further to suggest that I would move abroad. More than half-a-day ahead, I set my sights on South Korea.
She was the only person who didn’t ask why. Instead she excitedly told me to go for it!
Most recently, I said I wanted to start a YouTube channel.
Not only did she proudly give me her blessing, she invested in my dream by helping me purchase a high-picture-quality camera as a Christmas gift.
And now this…
While she has made it very clear her stance on the matter of homosexuality in regards to her belief system, she was sure to make it CLEARER that she loves me for who I am and that there’s no getting rid of her in my life.
She relinquished control and advised me that this is my life to live whichever way I choose to live it.
I nearly cried.
Joyful tears of course.
We are not going backward. She and I are only moving forward in our relationship and I am ever grateful.
To imagine that we were ever at such severe odds is becoming more and more a faded memory of the tumultuous past.
Envisioning what the future has in store for us is almost unfathomable. Because staring into anything so bright for too long hurts my eyes.
As cliché as it may sound, I must close with this:
No matter how gloomy the circumstances may be, it does get better.
Therein lies the importance of perseverance and always remaining hopeful.
This is my life. Welcome to my world… ☮peace☮
danie’ ✌
dannie'sWorld 